To be clear: I'm not trying to put this person down at all by posting this. Please don't go trying to find this profile and harassing her :P I think her profile is fine as is, i get how women sometimes need to go to these lengths to help weed out all the bullshit they get in their inbox. I removed the profile name and her home state out of respect but I know there's no way to prevent people from finding it and unfortunately the message I wrote isn't funny without reading the profile for context. Again, please don't be rude to this person, they've done nothing wrong. If anything, harass me for my terrible humor :)I had just written this message as a parody because I was racking my brain for about half an hour re-writing my first message to her and I thought, hell with it and I wrote this but didn't send it. I shared it with some friends of mine and they thought it was funny and told me I ought to really send it since, ya know, humor works in getting someone's interest right? Well, no response, ohh well. I wanted to share it though. Anyone out there's that's been through online dating and sending out 300 messages to get just one reply will probably get a kick out of this.Her Profile: About ***** I spend part the year in *************** and part the year in Fort Myers, so yes I am a snowbird, but still work full time remotely.I am doing great and my day is going well, no need to ask. Also please don't comment on looks, women get that far too much. If you don't have a Facebook, keeeeeep on moving, too many experiences with married men.If you know you're someone who says "call you later/tomorrow" and doesn't or makes loose plans and disappears, we won't be compatible. No need in wasting both our time. Mine is valuable and I assume yours is too.I'm not really into facial hair. Sorry I know I am one of like 5 women on the planet, but clean shaven is more my jam.Looking for friends, haven't put too much effort into dating since momming takes up my evenings and weekends. If your sole purpose is trying to aggressively get me to change my mind, you're wasting your time with me. Single parents preferred, but definitely not required. I believe in a little old fashioned courting. Yes, I am naked under my clothes, no you can't see. So don't bother asking for body shots via text... If you think talking and getting to know someone is a waste of time, we fundamentally have nothing in common. No Netflix and chill.Why are there so many tigers? Where are people finding all these tigers just walking around to take photos with? Also, why does everyone have the MySpace bathroom photos, shirtless photos, and pictures with fish? Catch a Chipotle bowl, and I'll probably be far more impressed :-)My Message: Hey, how ya doing? how's your day? You look great, what's Facebook? "call you later" is my shorthand for "won't ever call you again". My facial hair actually gets absorbed back into my skin. I have to continuously attach donor hair onto my face otherwise my facial hair area will begin to devour the rest of my body. I'd like to aggressively change your mind about everything. Like vanilla ice cream? too bad, you're getting mint. I believe in old fashioned courting too, who do i have to call to negotiate the cost to secure your hand in marriage without your consent? I'm naked under my clothes as well and that can't be a coincidence, it means we were made for each other. Getting to know someone is a waste of time, I've read your profile, I feel like I've known you for 34 years, maybe even 35, so really there's no need. I know you're 33 but that just means I must have met you in a past life. Why is everyone talking about watching Netflix in a freezer? Also, the Florida tiger is quite the prankster. None of those guys took a picture with a tiger. There were just about to take a picture and a Florida tiger just tiger-bombed them. Occasionally Florida tigers will hack your dating account and photoshop themselves into all of your pics. MySpace, there's an institution I haven't heard mentioned in an epoch, you must have majored in ancient roman computing systems to have such knowledge. I did catch a Chipotle bowl once but it tasted like communism so I went to Moe's. If Moe's and Chipotle were countries Chipotle would be Cuba and Moe's would be Puerto Rico, my homeland. I own Puerto Rico, it isn't a state yet because I had congress on my block list. Turns out we had been approved since the early 1980s, my bad. Don't support Communism, go to Moe's. Also, while writing this up, I've managed to secure the bride-price at 500 acres of prime Florida-tiger-free hunting land and 1,000 head of angus cattle. It's a steep price but old fashioned courting is worth it. Alright that's all I've got for now, I'll see you at the court house to sign off on the marriage certificate. Don't forget to like, comment and subscribe if you'd like to see more. via /r/funny http://ift.tt/2tHi60v
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